​June, 30th, 2019 - 
"Don’t ever feel bad for needing a break. My last post I talked about my friend needing a break from everyone. I never said there was anything wrong with that. My point was to make sure you always come back to reality.
 
My mother is out of town right now, and I have my brother. Now I don’t have a problem taking care of him but it isn’t easy. He doesn’t respect me and that doesn’t help anything. My mother said to me that I need to be more emotionally connected to him. I don’t even know how to do that. Talking to my aunt really put me in my feelings. She said to me, “how can you be emotionally attached to someone when growing up you weren't shown it from the people you craved it from the most.” She was referring to my mother and father. My mother isn’t emotional, and my father as an absentee man who was in and out of my life. Who I also craved it from was my sister, who forgot all about me and refuses to speak to me.

I watched a lot of movies growing up and read a lot of books. All I wanted in life was to live how they did." 


Wow... I went to delete old unposted materiel but reading this I couldn't. This is my truth through and through. Now I wrote this before I moved out. Before things really started taking a turn in my life. In 2019, I made a lot of decisions that ultimately shaped the rest of my life. In 2019, I felt like I was a different person and to think that so much has happened and changed since then. I felt trapped at home. I love my brother do not get me wrong, I would go to war over him so I would like someone to try it. Being honest though there was resentment there for a longtime for me, and it wasn't his fault. After I moved out, I do feel bad at distancing myself from him, but I didn't know how to be his sister, I didn't know how to be apart of my family with everything I had going on in my head. Ironic right? I did kind of to him what I resent my sister for doing to me, the difference if my brother and I grew up together and when I left, I knew what I was leaving him too, which was better than I had. 

I would never say my upbringing was horrible because that would be disrespectful to my parents however it wasn't what I seen in movies and read in any of my books. It was one that could have been different. For all the eldest kids to single parents, we are those kids that go through life with our parents and it makes us turn out a certain way. Skin a little thicker and our outlooks are a tad darker. We went through hell with our parent. We sometimes went through hell ourselves. I know struggle. My mother worked hard yes, she does til this day. It's where I get my push from. However, did I wish for my stability? Did I wish for my family back? Did I wish for clarity? Did I wish for more? Of course I did, what kid didn't? However, I excepted the reality that I had. I learned from what I was given and grew to be someone I could like. 

Being emotionally connected to someone is important. My aunt wasn't wrong when she said what she did. Til this day, I struggle with my emotions and connecting to people. Even now as I try to reconnect with my family I find it to be a small struggle. Growing up I tried filling a void left by my sister and the need to want someone close that I could trust. I was met with a lot of failed friendships. Endings for many different reasons, but obviously weren't meant to last. I was trying to fill the void of my family that was such worlds apart. Being apart of friend groups for the wrong reasons. Not saying that nothing wasn't genuine on my side, but now that I am older I see that pattern. A pattern that as an adult, I've left behind. I know that everyone is not meant for you and you don't have to let everyone in. That not everyone deserves to be around your energy. 

It's crazy I can't even get through this without crying. Makes me wonder why I stopped writing this post back in 2019. When I talk personal and get deep it brings up so much I push down. I'm always told it's not good to hold things in, but you also can't always trust people with things so close to you. Sometimes I don't even understand my own emotions sometimes to even convey them to someone else. I will leave this here. Check for a part 2 to my trauma at a later time. . . 

Why can I never find time to do everything I want to do. This is supposed to be my outlet. My escape to get what's in my head out. What a months it's been. I wanted to at least be writing once a week, but how time get so mushed together. 

I will say. I did do the one thing I wanted to do the most. I got a job doing something I believe I will truly enjoy. I stepped down from a job that I felt was draining me and no matter how hard it was, I believe it was the right move to make. A job that deserves its own blog post. A job that has endless stories behind it! As I get to make this transition I know I will only grow more from here. I am at a point that I need to take back control of my life and stop letting it control me. 

As people I feel as though sometimes some of us get lost in the mix of too many things and it takes a moment to reconfigure things to how they should be. There is nothing wrong with this! It can be a struggle while going through the confusion and clouds but once out it feels all worth it. I've been through this a few times in life and I feel like each time I am grateful for who I turn out to be on the other side. 

While I enter into this new phase of my life, I make the promise to myself that I will allow myself time to do the things I enjoy. Even if I have to schedule the time in my planner, I will make time for me. If I don't make the time who will? Who else will make sure that I am living? If not me, no one will.  This post for example. I was feeling so many emotions today and just opening up my laptop and writing has helped. Has calmed my nerves. My ability to get my thoughts and creatives on paper or a screen I guess, only has helped me gain clarity and give me an ease I sometimes forget I need. 

Always do what makes you feel good and don't forget to find time for yourself!