​June, 30th, 2019 - 
"Don’t ever feel bad for needing a break. My last post I talked about my friend needing a break from everyone. I never said there was anything wrong with that. My point was to make sure you always come back to reality.
 
My mother is out of town right now, and I have my brother. Now I don’t have a problem taking care of him but it isn’t easy. He doesn’t respect me and that doesn’t help anything. My mother said to me that I need to be more emotionally connected to him. I don’t even know how to do that. Talking to my aunt really put me in my feelings. She said to me, “how can you be emotionally attached to someone when growing up you weren't shown it from the people you craved it from the most.” She was referring to my mother and father. My mother isn’t emotional, and my father as an absentee man who was in and out of my life. Who I also craved it from was my sister, who forgot all about me and refuses to speak to me.

I watched a lot of movies growing up and read a lot of books. All I wanted in life was to live how they did." 


Wow... I went to delete old unposted materiel but reading this I couldn't. This is my truth through and through. Now I wrote this before I moved out. Before things really started taking a turn in my life. In 2019, I made a lot of decisions that ultimately shaped the rest of my life. In 2019, I felt like I was a different person and to think that so much has happened and changed since then. I felt trapped at home. I love my brother do not get me wrong, I would go to war over him so I would like someone to try it. Being honest though there was resentment there for a longtime for me, and it wasn't his fault. After I moved out, I do feel bad at distancing myself from him, but I didn't know how to be his sister, I didn't know how to be apart of my family with everything I had going on in my head. Ironic right? I did kind of to him what I resent my sister for doing to me, the difference if my brother and I grew up together and when I left, I knew what I was leaving him too, which was better than I had. 

I would never say my upbringing was horrible because that would be disrespectful to my parents however it wasn't what I seen in movies and read in any of my books. It was one that could have been different. For all the eldest kids to single parents, we are those kids that go through life with our parents and it makes us turn out a certain way. Skin a little thicker and our outlooks are a tad darker. We went through hell with our parent. We sometimes went through hell ourselves. I know struggle. My mother worked hard yes, she does til this day. It's where I get my push from. However, did I wish for my stability? Did I wish for my family back? Did I wish for clarity? Did I wish for more? Of course I did, what kid didn't? However, I excepted the reality that I had. I learned from what I was given and grew to be someone I could like. 

Being emotionally connected to someone is important. My aunt wasn't wrong when she said what she did. Til this day, I struggle with my emotions and connecting to people. Even now as I try to reconnect with my family I find it to be a small struggle. Growing up I tried filling a void left by my sister and the need to want someone close that I could trust. I was met with a lot of failed friendships. Endings for many different reasons, but obviously weren't meant to last. I was trying to fill the void of my family that was such worlds apart. Being apart of friend groups for the wrong reasons. Not saying that nothing wasn't genuine on my side, but now that I am older I see that pattern. A pattern that as an adult, I've left behind. I know that everyone is not meant for you and you don't have to let everyone in. That not everyone deserves to be around your energy. 

It's crazy I can't even get through this without crying. Makes me wonder why I stopped writing this post back in 2019. When I talk personal and get deep it brings up so much I push down. I'm always told it's not good to hold things in, but you also can't always trust people with things so close to you. Sometimes I don't even understand my own emotions sometimes to even convey them to someone else. I will leave this here. Check for a part 2 to my trauma at a later time. . . 

Why can I never find time to do everything I want to do. This is supposed to be my outlet. My escape to get what's in my head out. What a months it's been. I wanted to at least be writing once a week, but how time get so mushed together. 

I will say. I did do the one thing I wanted to do the most. I got a job doing something I believe I will truly enjoy. I stepped down from a job that I felt was draining me and no matter how hard it was, I believe it was the right move to make. A job that deserves its own blog post. A job that has endless stories behind it! As I get to make this transition I know I will only grow more from here. I am at a point that I need to take back control of my life and stop letting it control me. 

As people I feel as though sometimes some of us get lost in the mix of too many things and it takes a moment to reconfigure things to how they should be. There is nothing wrong with this! It can be a struggle while going through the confusion and clouds but once out it feels all worth it. I've been through this a few times in life and I feel like each time I am grateful for who I turn out to be on the other side. 

While I enter into this new phase of my life, I make the promise to myself that I will allow myself time to do the things I enjoy. Even if I have to schedule the time in my planner, I will make time for me. If I don't make the time who will? Who else will make sure that I am living? If not me, no one will.  This post for example. I was feeling so many emotions today and just opening up my laptop and writing has helped. Has calmed my nerves. My ability to get my thoughts and creatives on paper or a screen I guess, only has helped me gain clarity and give me an ease I sometimes forget I need. 

Always do what makes you feel good and don't forget to find time for yourself! 

What a difference a few years makes. It I didn't give up on my writing or my page in the sense that life got away from me. Looking back to 2020 feels like the time when I truly grew up. There is no where I will explain the last 5 years to you all in this first welcome back post, but we'll touch on it a bit! 

Where am I now might you ask? Shit. Wondering that everyday! LOL! But forreal, I take it a day at a time. In 2020, I was transitioning due to COVID, the era that left the world stuck for months. I thought during COVID, I would become like an online sensation (HA). As a pisces, I get so many ideas at once, that many times I put my eggs in too many baskets then I be having to readjust. I want to do a little bit of everything, but I be having to remind myself that I need to focus on the things that truly leave me fulfilled. 

The last 5 years I've taken the time to fall and get back up. I have learned from mistakes and strived to be better. I have taken the introvert role and quietly been building myself. Finding the things I like and don't like. Learning that this world can be cruel and we have to fight for the respect we deserve as people. I have let myself be broken to a point I wasn't sure I would heal from. Slowly but surely I am getting back to a place I want to be. Not saying the last 5 years was all horrible, because life is never ALL horrible. I have many bright spots over the time period. Such great moments, that I didn't even realize were possible. 

As we start off 2025, I want to get back to ME. Back to the things that make me happy. Back to the activities I enjoy. Making my life what I want it to be, not what it needs to be because I am living by societies rules of what and who I should be. It's not new year new me, but new year re-finding myself type of time. I am brining me back with some elevation ☺️! 

Let's get this journey started! 

​There isn’t many people that I care about. In life we aren’t always lucky enough to meet extraordinary people that we are lucky enough to call friends. Over the years, I have left behind broken friendships over stupid ass reasons. Some now were justified, but the overall reasons were pointless. However, each situation has shined light on what being a friend really means. I wrote a blog post a few months back about friends verse associates. This isn’t a repeat of that, but a post of a lesson well learned.
 
I have stated before that I am depressed, and have gone through deep depression in the past. I have a friend that now I isolating himself from everyone. It is his birthday month and he wants nothing to do with anyone. I had to question whether or not I was truly his friend or not. I say that because despite what he may or may not have been going through, isolation doesn’t make it better. It gives you time to focus on all of your flaws, pains, and fuck ups. For two weeks I didn’t reach out. I knew that he needed time, but it came to a point I was like I can’t let him do what I use to. Ignore the world and its problems. As his friend I needed to remind him that I was there and not going anywhere. It was that moment that I knew we were friends. I gave him the space he asked for, but I didn’t give him too much. I didn’t let him beat himself up over things he had no control over.  
 
Don’t let your friends suffer. Be their support system when they cannot hold themselves up. If you have to give them a little space that’s fine, but never stray too far. Be there just to be there. I know I’m always grateful when my friends show their support in my emotional mood swings. Tomorrow isn’t always promised, don’t waste today. 

​Let me just start off by saying my opinion is my own, period.

This post is about being truthful. Honesty is always the best policy, because when you aren’t things get messy. Take the Jordyn Woods scandal. Maybe if she had been honest with Khloe before she found out from someone else it would have played out differently. Probably wouldn’t been that big of a scandal, I mean with the Kardashians you never know, but if she had not kept her mouth shut, maybe it would of worked out in a way that wouldn’t have resulted in her losing the person closest to her.

​Telling the truth isn’t always easy. I know first-hand. When the truth effects the people closest to you, whether you’d be the cause of their pain or not, you want to shield them from unnecessary hurt. However, what we fall to realize is that keeping those secrets locked in only hurts them more when they find out later that you knew. This situation reminds me of one I got myself into. And NO I didn’t mess with a friend’s man or nothing like that because I would never. Lines like that I would never cross because I wouldn’t want anyone of my friends to do them to me. Back to the point at hand. There has been a time where I knew some information that I know a friend of mine needed to hear. However, I didn’t want to tell them. Not because I didn’t think they deserved to know, but because it would cause drama and issues that they shouldn’t have had to deal with. That no one should have to deal with. Letting Pandora out of the box at any time can cause ruptures where you didn’t even think could be possible. That was another fear of mine. I didn’t want to disturb the peace that had come about, but at the end of the day it was about me. It was about right and wrong, and not letting disrespect continue. I am happy with the choice that I made, because overall as a friend I did the right thing, and as a person I followed my gut. That is all one could ever do.
 
I would never tell someone to lie. I would never tell someone what they should and shouldn’t do. What I will say is to always be truthful with yourself. Follow your instincts not your fears. Do what you believe is right, because at the end of the day you are the one that has to live with the decisions you’ve made. 

What to start off by saying, I LOVE MY NEW JOB! I have only been here for a week, but I am more than happy with the change. It has been a blessing to make it to this period in life.
 
What I will say is that I am over making new friends. I am tired of putting my time into people who I think know me and vice versa to just be disrespected later. People want to jump the gun and make assumptions about you because they are mad and need someone to direct their anger too. Well boo you can direct that elsewhere because I’m good. I am so nice to people and they walk all over me. I have always been a nice person, but I have to stop giving to much of myself to people. It allows them to take advantage and be disrespectful.
 
I am going to say this with a grain of salt. Stand up for yourself. Don’t feel scared or intimidate by someone that it stops you from saying what you really feel. People forget that kindness doesn’t last forever. This post isn’t meant to seem negative, but to remind people to know your worth, and never be talked down on. I will continue to uplift myself and those around me as best as I can. I will continue to work hard in my work field, and strive for excellence. 

​This time last year I was a complete mess! My depression was running rapid, and my life was out of control. I found out I wouldn’t be graduating, and there was so much pressure to succeed suffocating me. For me it was the financial stand point that stopped me. What hurt me the most however was working so hard for four years to at the very end being told I wouldn’t be crossing the finish line. It devastated me. Not everyone truly understood the hurt I felt, and till this day still don’t. At that time I had to take a step back and reevaluate my life. I had to ask myself what I was going to do next, and I will be honest and say that I had no damn clue.
 
Despite not finishing school, I think it was the best thing for me overall. This last year has pushed me to be a better me. If I hadn’t finished school I wouldn’t have become a nanny, and had I not become a nanny, I wouldn’t have gotten my job at a Marriott hotel, and had I not gotten that job I wouldn’t now be a Catering Sales Manager, making salary pay, with no degree. A domino effect. All of that hurt I felt a year ago was worth it in the end, because now I can afford to pay my way to my degree. I don’t have to listen to people keep telling me no they can’t help me, because I can help my damn self now.
 
This time last year I was at a lost, but I picked myself up and worked my ass off to make something of myself. I have a job I love, I am making money that I am happy with, and I am back on track to get my degree. I am more than happy in my life, and I am living it the best way I know how. Don’t ever let someone tell you that you cannot accomplish something. Don’t ever let a bump in the road derail you from you dreams and goals. The only person that can hinder your capability is yourself. Take it from me, nothing is impossible.

I had an AMAZING time on my birthday trip. Just amazing. I looked good, I felt good, and I was surround by good energy. I appreciate all of my friends who supported me and was able to make my birthday as great as it was.  Anyone who knows me, knows how serious I take my birthday. It is the one time of year I allow myself to be selfish and only think about myself. It is the one time of year that I expect the most out of everyone around me. I am just a kind hearted person that I give myself and/or anything I have to the next person when needed. I have cut people off who showed me I didn’t matter on the one day of year that I should of the most. Petty maybe, but all I ask for is just a simple text or phone call to know that I haven’t been forgotten about. Birthdays are the one time of year that it is about you, and don’t let anyone ever tell you different.
 
To recap my birthday activities:

Atlanta was just culturally amazing. I hope to go back one day and see more of it. I got to go to the Coca Cola Museum and I loved it. Coca Cola, beside Ginger Ale, is my favorite drink, so to be able to learn all about it was interesting. I did a lot of sight-seeing, eating, and drinking. Oh, went to the Trap Museum, because of course that was a must. Went to the club for the one time, and I hate the club, but it was a swings bar, and it was great. What made the trip to Atlanta great was the people I went with. My friends went on a trip last minute with me, just to make me happy. I love them so much just for being who they are. It is hard to find real friends, so when you do make sure you keep them.
 
New Orleans was just as I thought. Full of great food, and historical culture. If you haven’t notice yet I like to learn. I spent the week sight-seeing, eating, and drinking. For one, who goes to New Orleans and no drink? The atmosphere down there is just so amazing that you can’t go down there and not get caught up in all the good vibes. OHHH, and I got to have Beignets, which to be honest kind of taste like fried dough. The overall trip however was great, I got closer to people who I didn’t think I could of, and I held and alligator. I’d love to go back one day.
 
To top off that great trip, I came home and my family threw me a dinner and invited my friends who couldn’t make the trip. It was nice. I got to dress up all nice, and look amazing. The dinner was the cherry on top to just a great birthday, and I couldn’t be more happier. 

I am currently sitting at the airport as I write this blog post. I am going on my first real vacation in two years. Doing it semi big too. Hitting Atlanta and New Orleans in a ten day spread. I am actually very happy. I haven’t gone anywhere really in years due to school and money mostly.  I was trying so hard to stay afloat that I forgot I had to live and enjoy life. People keep asking me why am I doing this long ass trip, or how could I even afford it.

I will start by saying that what I do with my money is no one’s damn business. Secondly, I have worked hard to support myself and deserve this trip. I need a break. I need fun. I need different scenery. I love my city, but sometimes a different city can provide outlooks on life that one couldn’t get at home.
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I am going to keep this post short and sweet. Live your life. Never let ANYONE tell you what you can and cannot do. Work hard, but don’t work too hard and forget to enjoy the fruit of your labor. Be happy, and treat yourself whenever you can, because if you don’t no one else will.