​A race of people
Celebrated in one month
Years of pain and suffering
And only one month
Not even a full month
28 days
Doesn’t suffice to the cruelty endured
 
A race of people
Not respected nor humanized
Accused and ridiculed
Hated for just being black
Culture robbed
From the hair, to the music, to the body types
STOP TRYING TO BE LIKE US
Constantly disrespected by the fake impersonations
 
No justice for a race of people
Who won’t ever give up
Fight every day for the equality we deserve
Recognition and praise
For the accomplishments that we deserve
Race of hardworking people
The fight is always with us
 
28 days
For hundreds of years of pain
Doesn’t amount
Never will
No respect for my race of people
Stereotypes be gone
Forging our own path
A better path
 
28 days
For a race of people
Is a joke
A pour excuse for an apology
We take the 28 days
But EVERYDAY we celebrate our Melanin
  

Don't you just love love? Blah. I'm an old school romantic, but I have never been in love. I have never gone on a date, and have never been in a relationship. At 22 years old, I haven't been fortunate enough to meet anyone worthy of any of those things. So to answer your lingering question, YES, I am still a virgin. And if you didn't want to know? Oh the hell well because now you do. 

With Valentines day approaching, everyone is in this lovely dove mood, and I'm sitting here like yes I will be working. This may sound bitter, but I don't think I will ever care for the holiday, relationship or not. I feel like everyday should be cherished, and spontaneous shows of expression are way more meaningful than a holiday that says its custom to give chocolates and followers. Maybe I am bitter, lol, and once I get into a relationship I'll change my mind. Who really knows. 

I don't date for many reasons. My friends say because I don't put myself out there. I would say it is because I am shy. It has taken me a long time to learn to love myself, and learn my worth. However, we live in a society that uplifts and praises the skinnier women. It sometimes makes me second guess who would even like me in the first place. As much as I love my friends I sometimes don't even like to because when standing next to them who would even look at me? It doesn't help that the only guys I meet want to sleep with me instead of learning my name.  Like a said, I am an old fashion romantic. I want someone to take me out on dates, just to see where things would go. I once thought that valentines day was the holiday where were supposed to remember chivalry isn't supposed to be dead. 

Moral of the post is be happy. Love who you love. Never forget to love yourself, and don't let a holiday be the only day you are cherished or you cherish someone else. Let Valentines day bring you back to before Netflix and chill and smoke sessions. Don't let society dictate how you live your life. 

HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH!

I'm going to start off strong by saying the disrespect of others is pure ignorance. It annoys the hell out of me, but it's the world we live in right? It's what we have to tolerate on a daily right? WRONG! We as people tolerate what we choose to. Periodt. 

Hello readers (if I even have any lol). This blog post is about the horrible conditions that people of color have to still deal with in 2019. I always try to see two sides to situations, but it is very hard to do when discrimination is happening so close to home. It has taken me longer to write this post because I had to find the right words to express what was running through my mind. 

If you're from Boston, then you heard about the white women who went missing last month and was found just shortly after. From what I heard of the situation there was a man hunt, helicopters, news broadcast ALL weekend in the efforts to find that woman. Last I checked there are missing black kids all over the city. Last I knew there wasn't man hunts going on for those kids, and the only reason I know that is because their faces showed up on the news once and has been since forgotten about. Maria Fernandez, 13, went missing January 11th 2019, and not found until January 23rd 2019. It took the police 7 days to make the public aware, and another 6 days to locate the young black girl. However, Olivia Ambrose goes missing from a bar one night and it makes national news. I do not understand. I am glad both are home safe, but clearly there is something really wrong with this situation. 

The Black Lives Matter Movement was started in my opinion to in effort to bring attention to the disadvantages of people of color. For hundreds of years, we haven't gotten the respect we as human beings deserve. You see melanin growing all over the world, but each person has fought for whatever place they are in right now. We see people of color business owners, people of color in government, or people of color in the lime light not by accident, but by the grace of their will. They fought for what they have because they came from nothing (not all but most). Yet, people of color still get targeted by police, government, and peers. Men, women, and children are dying for the ignorant mindsets of people who are afraid to grow. Almost every paper I wrote in college had to do with someone of color, because as I sat in those classes of all white students, I had to remind myself where I came from and what world I was living in. I had to inform my white professor and classmates of the behavior of their people and sometimes of themselves. As a person of color, you have to take a stand any where you can. 

​In 2019, it is sad to say that we still struggle. I am not saying it is all the fault of the colonizers, because we as people of color disrespect ourselves and out culture. It is horrible, and a habit that should have since be forgotten. However, due to the circumstances handed down by generations, some people cannot help the hand they were dealt. Just like colonizers say they can not help but to be racist and discriminatory we cannot help who we are either. 

Learn your history. Understand the past. Be better and do better. Happy Black History Month! 

Depression is a topic not often talked about. One that I have failed to be honest with myself about over the years. One I have failed to be honest about with my family. It isn't easy to talk about. Let me take you all back to when it all first started for me. 

When I was little I was in a bubble. Yeah I went through some crap with my family. Parents off and on. In and out of shelters with my mom. Moving all the time until the age of four. Low key bullied, but to be honest I never noticed. My mother was very good about making sure I was good, and wasn't affect by all the changes in my life. When I got sick at nine and started gaining weight and  my dad left was when it all became different. It was like I was introduced to a world I never knew existed. My whole life was uprooted to a city I never really knew. Was thrown in to a school system I wish I had never seen. I developed emotions I thought weren't possible. 

I was bullied non-stop from the 3rd grade all the way up until high school. My dad abandoned me over and over again. Like a wound being opened again and again. The pain fresh like it never left. I hid my feelings over the years, talked to a few shrinks, and just stayed in my cocoon. In high school I started having episodes. I would call them episodes of distress. I would start to isolate myself from everyone and just be in the dark cloud of sorrow. It got to the point where I learned to smile to hid my pain. I was tired of people asking if I was okay, what I needed, and if I wanted to talk. I was tired of the judgement of people that didn't understand my pain. When I got to college it was worse. I was in a deep depression, that led to drinking and dump decisions and friendships. I was hurting and I felt like I was sinking everyday. My episodes got more frequent and my pain was so high that I at some points I didn't think I would recover. 

Slowly over the years, I've learn to love myself more. I've learn to be a little bit more open and honest. People are scared to talk about depression and their feelings. They shouldn't be. Sometimes the person right next to you is hurting and you would never know. If you are feeling depressed, I beg you to seek help. If not to a friend, then to someone else. If anyone notices something with some else, just ask them how they are and maybe give them a hug. Don't let depression go un-talked about. We live in an age were people are dying everyday; committing suicide. Kids from being bullied, adults from depression. It's time we speak about it. 

​
I pull, and I pull, and I pull
Layer by layer
Reaching; Suffocating
I claw away at the surface
Never quite reaching the top
I feel like I'll never get there
But yet I feel like it's oh so close
Air is running thin
Body so very weak
Why can't I get there?
Why is it so hard to reach?
Is this a sign?
My head is pounding
Like I'm being hit over the head with a hammer
Over, and over, and over
I'm at my wits end
Lost beyond the deserts
All I see are illusions of what I wish it all could be
But it never will be
So I keep wondering
Trying to find a way out
A way out of this deep depression I never knew I was in

As you can all see I did not post all of December. Or even at the start of the New Year. I didn't go anywhere, but there was a lot going on. Plus I was trying to get my Vlogs set up. It is a learning curve let me tell you. Anyways, none of that is important right now. Let's get to the topic at hand. This blogs topic is SELF CARE. I chose this topic for a number of reasons, and you'll understand once you read the entirety of this post. 

To start off, loving ones self is the most important aspect of life. If you can not love yourself, then you can not love anything or anyone else. You can think you love something, but I will be honest with you, it's not love. It's an illusion of love, fading or growing the more you change in different directions. Be a family person, support your friends, but remember that you matter too. There was a point in my life where I didn't love myself. Some people reading this might be surprised, but it is in fact true. There were some years when I didn't think I would make it. I let people use me and hurt me, just so I could keep friends that I thought I needed. I let people disrespect me because I didn't know how to defend myself. I talked to the wrong kind of people that never cared about me in the first place, but I thought it was love because I so wanted to be loved. I was unhappy with my weight, unhappy at home and unhappy in life. I learned to love myself, and I continue the journey everyday. I take time to myself, I treat myself, and I remember that I can manager what I want to enjoy my life the best way. I've learned a lot more of self care. 

Meek Mill stated the other day in a tweet, I think, that he wants women to stop with the lace front and be more natural. No there was a lotttt of talk after. People coming out left and right with their opinions. Well here is my opinion. Do whatever the hell you want to do. We live in a time period that allows us to be more open and creative with who we want to be. We can wear make up to make ourselves feel more beautiful, wigs or extensions to have a look we've always wanted, and body enhancements because we feel as though we need it. NONE of these things mean we look or feel less beautiful or that we think we need those things to love ourselves. I personally like wearing wigs because I get to change the colors and try something new, and it is more healthier for my hair than dying it all the time. I love my natural hair, I need to take better care of it, but I love it and I wouldn't trade it for anything. All the extra things we women do don't define who we are, we decided who we are not the nails, hair, make up, or fake asses. These things are all just about self caring for ourselves. My friend said to me a few weeks ago that she's loving the new me. Always having my nails done and hair done. Loves that I actually want to be presentable. Now she said this because she knew how I was so down that I didn't care how I looked, but now that I feel a lot better I like feeling nice. That entails having my nails and hair done, or dressing nice one night and just going out. I don't do these things for other, but for myself because it makes me feel good. 

Love thy self . Care for thy self. Nurture thy self. Sometimes you have to be selfish and that is okay. Work hard. Make money. Live life but don't let life pass you by. Remember you. 

I'm back! Not like I went anywhere really. I've written and re-written this post I want to say about five times. I just couldn't seem to find the right words to express the point I wanted to get across, but I've found them. After a lot of thinking and paying attention to those around me I found my point.

Everyoneee keeps asking me when are you going to finish school. What are you going to do with your life. TO BE HONEST... I don't know. I know what I am good at. I know what I would like to do. It is the matter of making my gifts useful for me as a career. It is a matter of branching out and stop hiding my talents, because I feel insecure and think I would never make it. I am an amazing and creative writer. I have amazing skills of organizing events and making sure things go off without a hitch. I am a great people person, and love to help others. I would love to have my own business where these gifts gave me a career I could live off of.

I reached out to an old classmate of mine from high school. I knew that she would be able to give me insight on my problems. I did a feature on her on the 'Guest Artists' page. Khalima and I weren't close close in high school, but I've seen her grow since and I just wanted to know how she was doing it. She created something so beautiful and amazing that people seem to really love and appreciate. LimaLoops, a clothing line made solely from crocheting. I admire her for starting her own brand. For branching out. She shared her gift with people when she didn't have to and now most of the people in Boston know about LimaLoops. I really do hope that it does nothing but blossom even more from here. Not to repeat myself because I stated this in her feature, but Limaloops started because it was a hobby that got Khalima to focus on something else other than her problems. It gave her motivation, and once it took off the motivation to keep it alive only grew. 

The point behind talking about Khalima was not only to remind myself why I write and why I blog but to remind others why their gifts matter. Why it is important to stay motivated to a goal. My friend Taylor right now is motivated to be healthy and to get in shape. She goes to the gym at 5:30 am, like gets there so shes waking up at like 5 am (which is so hard for me to do), then she goes to work and works an eight hour day, then goes home and meal preps and plans out the next day. My friends and peers all around me are finding things to focus on. They have goals they are working towards, and I forgot what mines were for a minute. 
​
As a kid they neglect to tell you how hard it to find what you love to do, or that once you do find your passion it will not be easy to obtain. I got so depressed while in school. So down and low to a point where I lost myself. It wasn't all bad, because I learn a few things along the way. So to be completely honest I don't know what is next for me, but I haven't been semi-happy like this in a long time and I am happy where I am at right now. I am motivated to continue to improve my writing, my friendships, and my life. To grow closer to my family, and to live for Alani, because I never did before. 

Remember what it is like to live. Remember what it is like to be happy. Remember what is like to have aspirations. Be motivated, stay motivated. Never let someone else's unhappiness determine yours. Motivation is a major key for success.

Happy Monday! I first want to give a warm loving shout to all the veterans out there. We owe a lot to you all and we don’t thank you all enough. God bless you all!

Now to be honest, I didn’t know what I was going to talk about in today’s blog. It took me a minute think about what would matter enough to write about. Then it came to me this weekend. Friends. This blog is going to talk about the difference between friends and associates. We all got them, and most people out there don’t know the difference. Trying to hold on to people or friendships that are fake and half ass just because we feel like we have to. Not opening up to new people because we feel like they will do us dirty.

For years I’ve had up and down relationships with people. I’ve let “friends” walk all over me, disrespect me, and abuse my kindness. It’s to a point now where I don’t need new friends, because the ones I got are loyal, respect me and love me for who I am; flaws and all. You know you’re my friend if I text you and make an effort to check in on you. You know you’re my friend when you know even when I’m busy I make the time. We’re associates if we friendly when we see each other. Sorry not sorry. I give the same energy I get. If you’re not calling and texting me and making an effort why should I? That’s what people don’t understand, friendships are two way streets.

It takes two people to be invested inorder for the friendship to run smoothly. There is no way anything works if one person is trying more than the other. AND I don’t mean fake trying, because that just don’t cut it. We’re in a era where there is so much technology around us that provides us with so many different ways to communicatez, that talking to friends shouldn’t be an issue. There is no excuse but pure ignorance of why a TRUE friendship can’t work.

Now, don’t be out here trying to force friendships either. If y’all just don’t vibe then y’all don’t vibe. That’s okay not to be friends with everyone you meet. Also, just because you might run in the same circles doesn’t mean you both have to be all extra close. As long as y’all are respectful, there’s no reason why y’all can’t just be cool when y’all see each other. Don’t force something that’s not there. It maybe hard to tell someone but it is what it is.

At the end of the day all I am saying is be true to who you are and to your friendships. Let people go if it’s time and stick by those who are sticking by you. Not everyone is meant to be friends and some people are meant to be friends for a life time. Know the difference between the trashy ones and the good ones. I didn’t at first and I might still get fooled, but I’m a stand by my morals and live my life with or without certain people.

Until next time! Stay positive and have a great week you all!

Happy Monday! Another week. Another post.

I have one topic I want to really talk about. Voting. Now I wasn’t always able to vote, but now that I can I think it is very important that people go vote. We as people want change and it starts by us making a choice of what matters. If you give up the opportunity to make change, it’s like saying you don’t care for better or worse.

I was talking to my boss the other day about voting and trends and the nation. Now I love talking to her because she is a white woman with realistic views. She keeps it honest, respectful, and hates Donold Trump.

​I was telling her how I always follow news and social media. I low key love celebrity gossip. What has been catching my attention is how Kim Kardashian has been in the media in regards to prison reform. Last I checked she wasn't a lawyer or anyone of political standing. Last I checked she was a reality TV star, and owned a cosmetics line of sorts. Last I checked she was a mother, wife, daughter, and sister. Last I checked all she had to say about prison reform was her opinion, not years of school and a degree to back her up.

She is being called an advocate. She is being given a platform. It makes no sense to me that a reality TV star can go to the white house (which is corrupt already) and ask for a prisoner to be released and it just happen. But the funny thing is my boss replies and says, “you have to remember the President is a tv reality star himself.” Which is so true, like not only is he a business man but also a reality tv celebrity. There are people, i.e. lawyers and judges, who are put in place to work on issues like these. If they can't get it done, how howwwwwww howwwwwwwwwww is someone who has no training getting it done? What does that say about our judicial system? What does that say about our government? Like really? Never am I saying that our system is perfect or even close to fair, but this isn't either. How much research did Kim K do? How much did Trump do? Did she have to bring on a lawyer? These are questions I obviously can't answer, but I wonder.

I wonder why there’s no requirement to have some type of governmental seat before becoming President. I wonder why there’s no requirement for having sanity. It is amazing that anyone is able to put the foot forth and run this world but there should be qualifications, like there is with any other job. You have to know what you are doing in order to get the job done. Having been a businessman one would think that would better help our countries financial issues. No, because at the end of the day Trump is making it up as he goes along. He’s putting the country back ten step after it only made five. Very sad and tragically I don’t even recognize what this nation has been becoming.

So for for those who take the time to read my long ass blog posts. Go vote! Vote! Vote! Vote! Let your voice be heard. Don’t be silenced or pushed to the side. Like Gandhi always said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Until next week. Work hard, and live your best life.